Donald Trump Explains Every James Bond Film by Jack Lugo

Just a disclaimer:  JBR does not endorse any candidate.  The opinions expressed are my own and should not be attributed to Tom and Chris if you happen to disagree or take offense.  Follow me on Twitter if you like this sort of humor.

In Bond fandom, there’s usually a wide array of opinions concerning each and every film in the franchise.  For every Bond fan who loves Goldfinger, you can probably find another Bond fan who thinks that film is overrated and prefers On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.  One fan may consider The Living Daylights to be his or her favorite film while another prefers Octopussy or Live and Let Die.  The point is that everybody is different and as Bond fans we each have our own personal subjective reasons for preferring one film over another. Different elements of each film resonate with us for different reasons. The one person who may have a totally unique and let’s say (oh to hell with being polite!) delusional take on all the films would have to be Presidential Candidate and all around small handed buffoon Donald Trump.  If one stops to think of it, Trump may have made an exemplary target for Ian Fleming.  When one considers the fact that Fleming drew his inspiration for Auric Goldfinger from Hungarian architect Erno Goldfinger, it’s not that much of a leap to suggest that Trump would perhaps be a Bond villain himself if Fleming were alive and still writing Bond books.

On Thursday August 18th, a rather amusing hashtag started trending on twitter: #TrumpExplainsMoviePlots. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to inject some Bond humor into the mix of things, I decided to take full advantage of the situation. The following suggests how Trump would react to each of the official Eon Bond films in the James Bond franchise. If you have better ones, feel free to add them in the comments section below.

Dr. No Trump

From Russia with Love

Goldfinger

Thunderball

YOLT

OHMSS

Diamonds are Forever

Live and Let Die Trump

Man with the Golden Gun

Spy Better

Moonraker

For Your Eyes Only

Octopussy Trump

View to a Kill

Living Daylights

Licence to Kill

Goldeneye

Tmrw Never Dies

World is Not Enough

Die Another Day

Casino

Quantum

Skyfall2

Spectre

Bond 25

 

article by Jack Lugo

jack-lugo

  • flay

    Do you–do any of you remember that outbreak of foot and mouth disease a few years back? I mean, it was disgusting, these fat cows–and the President, okay, the President is playing golf the whole time–and let me say, I can hit a golf ball much further than he can, believe me. Believe me. But these fat cows, it’s disgusting, their feet and their mouths–now my feet are great, okay, great mouth, great hands, look at these hands. These are completely normal hands, okay? And my mouth, maybe I’ve gone a bit too far sometimes, okay, maybe I’ve been a bit too sarcastic–but look, to be honest, I haven’t been that sarcastic. Okay?

    So the United Nations, okay, and by the way, these guys, so incompetent, okay? I’ve got one of the highest IQs around, believe me, my father was an engineer at MIT, okay, great genes. Science was never my strong suit, alright, but highest IQs, okay? These guys at the United Nations, these losers don’t know how to negotiate. And I’m gonna show them–in very convincing terms, okay–exactly how I arranged that foot and mouth thing. And believe me, my capacity has improved since, okay? Believe me, my capacity is terrific. There’s nothing wrong with my hands, okay, perfectly normal hands, and there’s nothing wrong with my capacity.

    And last summer okay, we had a great breakthrough, terrific breakthrough. I’m calling it VIRUS OMEGA, okay? VIRUS. OMEGA. Unbelievable breakthrough. Not just disease in a few herds, okay? China is totally wiping us out–we don’t know how to negotiate–this is not disease in a few herds. I’m talking about total infertility, okay? In plants and animals. The destruction of a whole strain, forever, throughout an entire continent. When I’m in, okay, believe me, there’s no more nation-building. You are going to see the extinction of whole species–whole species, okay–of livestock and cereals, all over the world. All over. Nothing is born, okay? Nothing. No seed even begins to sprout. And who’s gonna pay for it? Mexico!

  • flay

    My grandmother, okay, she had an island when I was a boy. Beautiful island, terrific island. One of the best islands. And my grandmother, believe me, she was born in America. You can see her birth certificate. And this island, you could walk along it in an hour, maybe two hours. Hillary, to be honest folks, I don’t know if she has the stamina to walk this island. I don’t know. But still, it was – it was a paradise for us. And one summer, okay, we came for a visit and discovered the whole place had been infested with rats. Disgusting. These weren’t cute little mice, either, folks, they had disease, they were dirty, and some of them I’m sure were good rats. But they’d come on a fishing boat, okay, and had gorged themselves on coconut. So how do you get rats off an island, hmm? How do you get them off? Do you just give them amnesty, let them stay? My grandmother showed me. She was a smart lady, okay, good genes. We buried an oil drum, and look, this oil, we didn’t buy it from radical Islamists, okay, this was homegrown oil. Obama would have given Iran $400 million for an oil drum like this okay, but we know how to negotiate. We need people who can negotiate. We’re getting killed. So we buried this oil drum and we hinged the lid. Then we wired coconut to the lid as bait. Great bait, coconut, terrific bait. The rats come for the coconut, and…[imitates handicapped person] They fall into the drum, okay, fall right in there, and after like, after like a month, you’ve trapped all the rats. But what did you do then? Throw the drum into the ocean? Burn it? No. You build a wall. And you make Mexico pay for it. And they begin to get hungry, then one by one… [imitates handicapped person] They start eating each other, until there are only two left. Disgusting. The two survivors. And then what – do you kill them? No. You take them, and release them into the trees. Only now, they don’t eat coconut anymore, okay?. Don’t eat coconut. Now they will only eat rat. You have changed their nature. The two survivors; this is what Obama has made us.

    • Jack_Lugo

      Hilarious!! That’s exactly how I imagine Trump would do that speech!