I want you to picture the ultimate Bondian torture situation. It does not involve wicker chairs, ice, cigars or even DAD on loop. It involves friends, beer (or Vespers), the longest Bond film ever made, and Tom Sears’ renal/urinary system. (*collective shudder*)
The JBR family will be meeting up for an epic 18+ hour social event next Monday 26th October, focused on conviviality, banter, and the small matter of the SPECTRE premiere. The question is this: what strategies should our self-avowedly slack-bladdered co-host employ to ensure that the optimal balance of fun, relaxation, comfort and actually seeing the whole movie is achieved?
Strategy 1: Drink nothing between lunchtime and the premiere.
Analysis: Well, that would work, presumably, assuming there isn’t an unseasonal heatwave in London, and Tom doesn’t need carrying out of the cinema with severe dehydration. Bit boring though.
Strategy 2: Drink in extreme moderation, and “go for a tactical” as close to the movie as possible.
Analysis: Also should work, but there is a risk that the system might be triggered by a waterfall/hang-glider or river/boat chase scene about 2 hours in, which would spoil the final climax (of the film).
Strategy 3: Drink like a fish, and get the kidneys working hard, then stop about 1.5 hours before the movie, maximising lavatory visits in that critical window.
Analysis: Tom wants to be fully focused on the film, so excessive alcohol consumption is a bad idea. Also, you never know how many other film goers will use this strategy, and the Odeon’s toilets might get overwhelmed. This article also highlights the possible complications. A highly unpredictable strategy.
Strategy 4: The capacious receptacle option. Self-explanatory.
Analysis: Speaking as the person with the seat next to Tom’s, I can’t say I’m keen on this one. Full catheterisation would be OK, but I’m not sure we want to go for the full rock festival experience on SPECTRE night. I have a story about 2 litre plastic cider bottles, the Donnington Monsters of Rock Festival 1988, convicted paedophile Jonathan King and several hundred fed-up metalheads with extraordinarily good aims, if you want to hear it.
All of these options have their drawbacks. When faced with extreme emergencies, there is just one question for a JBR host to ask: What would Bond do?
Strategy 5: This is the only way forward. And Tom has at least a few days to visit his bespoke tailors, or get Tom Ford to work. What you will need is: 5 yards of this;
a bottle of this;
a kilo of this.
Three hours of comfort, relaxation, freedom to express yourself, and happy cinema neighbours. Soak up the atmosphere, absorb the plot.
And as we all know, Bond always looks great slipping out of a ‘wet suit’ – which is exactly what you’ll be doing when the lights come up, Tom.
Article by Simon Woolley